Here’s what I know about love lately:
1. You’re on a journey, and your (perhaps would-be) beloved on a journey, and wouldn’t it be nice if your paths could meander through the Great Forest of Spirit and Fire together for awhile? But sometimes this just doesn’t happen, and paths formerly intertwined split off. And that can suck.
2. Paths split off for different reasons. You’re headed towards different destinations, for example. Or sometimes the other is like frightened of the brambles and shadows and just can’t deal with it all. Or lo and behold, you’re actually traipsing along the path with a fucking wolf, you know? And hell yes, it’s better not to scrape along with a fucking wolf, so wolf has gotta go. Goodbye wolf, but then you walk alone, and that can be an adjustment.
3. It’s impossible to be in a good relationship with someone who’s not happy with themselves and where they are in life and not doing anything about it. Not that people have to be self-actualized before they can find love (BECAUSE WHO IS?) But it sure as hell helps if they’re engaged and active and committed to their own happiness and enlightenment before they commit to another human being. Because chances are, they can see how a good partner is a good ingredient in that recipe of self-actualization, and they’ll better appreciate you and your relationship, no? Most people who aren’t committed to their own happiness tend to treat good things in life like shit — that’s partly why they’re not happy, right?
4. And so the real question to ask about someone is not what they do for a living, or what their past relationships was like, or even can they keep their promises, or do they like the Beatles vs. the Stones? It’s more fundamental: Are they happy? What makes them so? I don’t mean happy as in “happy happy joy joy,” but more feeling at home in the world and in life and in their own skin, taking responsibility for the shape and feel of their life, empowered enough to see how their actions affect others, which makes them more sensitive to how their actions affect you. Which is important in a relationship, because who wants to end up with someone who’s clueless and selfish?
As Laura Marling says, “When were you happy? And how long has that been?”
Let’s use this song as a spirit animal in our search for love as an experiment, and tell me if it works for you.
Of course, sometimes you kind of just fall in love with someone and no process or ANYTHING will get between that. Hormones and deeply imprinted psychological blueprints can do that to you. And that’s okay, too, but asking the right questions will at least give you a map through the Great Forest of Spirit and Fire that I call life. Maps, guys…we all need them, and sometimes they come in the form of song lyrics.
